good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
