3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
