Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
