we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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