i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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