my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
