my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
