It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
