If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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