i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
