The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So here I am, sexting at work.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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