i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
why do cheetos always look like penises
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
