And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
