I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
