Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
