OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
