I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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