Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
