His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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