At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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