my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
