There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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