i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
