I puked a lego.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
