Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
