mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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