How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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