You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize