I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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