it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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