I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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