I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
