Got a toothbrush?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
