So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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