If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
