wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
