get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
