I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Sext me about skeletons
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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