I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I AM VODKA MAN
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
