Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize