3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
