Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize