They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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