This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
