I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You are the jesus of drinking
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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