the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
