guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
