I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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