You're earring is so big in my mouth
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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