We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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