after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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