Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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