Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
