i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
