And the cops told us we were all naked.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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