The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
