We're like a lot better than the average bears
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
