I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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