Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
