So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize