I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
