Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
