The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
