I think i peed on brittanys purse
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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