he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
