Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
