My friends, they love my intelligence
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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