Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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