what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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