his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize