Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
