for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
