My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We don't watch enough power rangers
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
