I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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