I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
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